Katrina and I do not have children. We do not plan on having children. We made this decision by first acknowledging that having children (or not) is a choice.
We don’t hate children. That’s a common misconception about people who have stated that they don’t want to have kids. We enjoy playing peek-a-boo with babies, catch with toddlers and handing down the Sacred Knowledge of Shoe Tying. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I’d make a great father.
So, why don’t we want kids?
The first step in answering this question is to understand that it is the wrong question. “Why not?” assumes the default is to have children, yet having children is not automatic. In the absence of certain, specific actions we take (e.g. sex), childbirth will not happen: No insemination, no baby. The truth is that having a child is a choice. Some people let society (or their parents, religion, culture, partner, etc.) make that choice for them but if we’re going to be honest with ourselves we must acknowledge that it’s still a choice.
So, why is this important? Well, knowing that having children is a choice gives “why?” a lot more meaning. The question, “Why do we want kids?” is now just as valid as the original “why not?“. In fact, I would argue that since the state of not having children is the default, the question of why to have kids becomes even more important.
Unfortunately, it seems like precious few parents have ever asked either question. This, in my opinion, has given rise to the number of parents who
- are emotionally unprepared for the realities of raising a child,
- have unrealistic expectations,
- come to resent the time, energy and responsibility required, and
- have children for the wrong reasons – consciously or not (to “continue the family line”, have something to love (and/or or love them back), make their partner stay, etc.)
Today, a Twitter post by a friend brought to my attention that some mothers are now taking drugs that they believe will decrease the odds of their child being gay. The linked article discusses a lot of these same issues that I believe, in part, stem from potential parents not honestly examining why they want to have children (if they even realize it’s an option). For example; the author relates the story of a father who wants to abort their child because it has been diagnosed with a cleft lip and he, “can’t handle this!”
I am a firm believer in taking responsibility and part of being responsible is making educated, informed and reasoned decisions. Throughout my high school years and into my early twenties I looked forward to having children. I often thought fondly about my future as a father. But as time went by, my belief in responsibility forced me to take a critical, unbiased look at the commitment involved in raising a child. I spent years mulling over the topic – examining who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life. I watched other parents and played out numerous “what if…?” scenarios in my mind.
Eventually I had to recognize, if I was truly going to be honest with myself, that this commitment was not something I was willing to pursue. I have no doubt that I could, and would (another choice there), make a reasonable go of it if forced to – but taking responsibility for a child was not something I would voluntarily fully commit to. Furthermore, I feel very strongly that supporting and guiding a living, growing human being is far, far too important not to be fully committed to. Let me unequivically state that again:
I believe that people who are not fully committed to the responsibilities involved in raising a child have no business having one.
And so, as I would expect any responsible, principled human being honest enough to come to this realization about themselves to do, I acknowledged that I should not have children. I made my choice, and I heartily encourage more potential parents to make theirs.
Update (7/12/2010): Some additional reading on the topic of having/not having children:
